Sleepy. That's how I would describe my week. I'm also excited. It's an odd mix. This week, I'm on call three times with only 2 residents helping me to run three hospital floors + ER. It's mad. I'm tired. I want my Christmas break fast. I want to be with my girlfriend and just say nothing, do nothing, and just feel happy. It's the main thing I look forward to with each passing day.
This CTU (clinical teaching unit/internal medicine) rotation has been very tiring. Although it's fun to think a lot, and finally feel like a doctor compared to other rotations - it certainly doesn't feel as homely/natural to me as pediatrics did. At least on that rotation I can be myself (childishly free). The amusing thing about the obstetrics rotation is that I'd end up reading the Births section of the newspaper. I wanted to see how many new babies were delivered by me. Now I find myself reading the obituary section to see if I recognize any of the names I saw in the hospital, hopefully not delivered vertically by me! That's the weird thing about medicine - you can see the whole life cycle in a day.
Well back to working on the lil lady's Christmas present. wee. Oh yeah, Merry Christmas to everyone!
I miss my pillow, my blanky, and my girl
on Wednesday, December 24, 2008Study life - quick!
on Saturday, October 18, 2008
Cramming for exams is not as bad as it seems. You can take in weeks worth of knowledge and within days, you know it all! Life on the other hand doesn't work like that. I'll get to what that means later on. First, let me preface this post with a habit of mine- I love to hear stories about how couples meet and how guys propose. Lately though, I've bumped into a couple of nurses, as well as older friends who have opened up about how their marriages failed. I've found myself to be more and more curious about what led to these divorces. Mainly - what changes between pre-marriage and post-marriage. From what I've heard so far, none of the people I've talked to said that they had any inklings or clues that their partner wasn't a good choice. It seems like all of them said that things changed after marriage. This is pretty scary! Does this mean that most people are fake initially and that someone's true personality comes out after marriage? Does it mean that people aren't good at reading others? I know that it takes time to get to know someone well - unlike studying, you can't cram knowing someone. You can't take decades of choices and life experiences that someone went through and assume you've figured it all out. Of course there are exceptions - I know of one set of parents who got engaged after two months and are still happily together. However, I'm generally left confused about why there are so many couples who end up in divorce. One of the Doctors that I worked with said the main reason people divorce is because they are greedy. They don't take the time to give to each other and make things work. But I think there's more to it than that. It makes me wonder - do people read in between the lines? Do they watch how their partner behaves when they're down, when they're happy, when they're angry, and when you're at your lowest point? Do they observe what their family's like? Do they watch if they put similar effort into the relationship? Do they keep mental note (I call them mental post it notes) of what their partner's like over time? If everyone does these things, and still go through divorces, then it's not an encouraging thought at all. But on the other hand, I doubt everyone reads between the lines or observes people's habits as much as I do - I remember how one of my friends didn't like that I keep mental post it notes regarding some of the things he did, whereas I thought it was absolutely normal, whatever normal means. In the long run though, I think this habit's useful to have, but as time passes by, I'm going to keep listening to life's stories. Afterall, if watching my bro get in trouble when we were kids helped me avoid making the same mistakes, then I certainly hope that my love for hearing other people's stories will help me to keep going in the right direction!
I've finally finished my OB-Gyn rotation, and I'm going to miss it a lot. The moms are wonderful patients, delivering babies is an indescribably happy and cozy experience, the doctors are happy, and the nurses were very friendly! During the days when I worked at the OB-Gyn offices, I had some time between patients to sit down and flip through some of the magazines women like to read. So based on the number of magazines I've flipped through - I've accumulated a general picture of how a woman looks, how they think, and what they want. So first of all - all women look like models, women are constantly worried about their feminine hygine and need pads wherever they go - especially for horseback riding! Women are constantly worried about their weight, and about how to satisfy/keep their man.
Magazines for pregnant women also get pretty interesting - the last magazine I saw had this pregnant lady (a model of course), sitting on a beach in a nice weaved gown with water reaching her feet (and prob soaking her bumbum). The magazine of course had more exercise tips, but at least it wasn't as bad as the general women magazines from above. However, I do find that pregnant women in general either worry about - "oh no, I'm gaining too much weight", or "oh no, I'm not gaining enough weight" - I haven't met a satisfied one yet. I think my jaw will drop when I hear a woman say "I'm happy with my weight gain so far". But to get back on this topic, I honestly don't get how women can flip through these magazines and feel good at all. For one thing, half of the magazine is advertising - full of semi anorexic models and a lot of photoshopping, and the remaining pages are full of topics regarding how you're too fat, how you can try harder to satisfy the person you're with, fashions that you probably can't afford (and look funny in most cases), and a reminder of how your monthly cycles make you a smelly leaky person.
All of this reminds me of what we learned in psych in first year undergrad - it takes only 2 minutes of flipping through a magazine for a girl to lose her self esteem. Which makes it confusing for me - why even read these magazines? I guess I don't understand women :P
Oh baby!
on Saturday, September 20, 2008
Two weeks have flown by on the labor & delivery (L&D) floor. I can't really remember the number of vaginal deliveries & c-sections that I assisted in or done first hand. This ward is not about numbers to me, but about an experience that's hard to put into words. This is especially true for vaginal births. Why? Well unlike c sections, which feels like any other surgery, vaginal births feels like a rollercoaster of emotions! If I had to summarize what I observed about most vaginal deliveries, I would have to break it down into six phases:
- Phase I: most moms seem happy, excited, and with a hint of nervousness (more of this last ingredient for first time mommies). During this phase moms have to wait for hours for the cervix to dilate (the passage in the uterus/womb that the baby has to get through). The pain hasn't fully kicked in, so most of the moms seem pretty happy and chatty with me. The partner/husband often looks calm at this stage.
- Phase II: Pain starts to set in as the baby comes down more and the cervix dilates more. I can tell this stage as soon as I walk in the room because the moms are no longer smiling as much. The partner/husband (if it's not a single parent), are now more serious looking and semi confused about what to do as they watch mama endure some pain. Some partners try to be supportive by holding mama's hand or rub their hair. Others sit back and either look helpless or guilty for making the lady pregnant.
- Phase III: This phase exists for most moms. This is when most moms receive epidurals to relieve the amount of pain they're going through. Without reading the charts or asking the nurses, I know all about phase III when I see the moms smiling and/or looking more at peace again. As soon as I enter the room, I tell them "Hey! you're back to smiling, you must have an epidural now!" (and then I'll tell them all about my phases observations), to which they'll laugh and tell me "yup! the epidural's in".
- Phase IV: This is the phase when the contractions are more frequent and stronger. There's something very humbling about this phase for me. Pregnancy as a whole is a tiring and long event for moms. As if 40 weeks wasn't enough work, there comes the whole process of pushing the baby out. It's humbling to see this last push of effort from the moms - the exhausted facial expression of the mom, yet pure determination to break down that last brick wall - it just leaves you with nothing but pure admiration for moms everywhere.
- Phase V: This is where a crazy turn happens in the rollercoaster of baby delivery. As soon as you catch the baby and place him/her on mama's tummy, the humbling feeling of trying to break down a brick wall from phase IV suddenly changes to an almost post-struggle celebratory mood. It's not exactly a party-excited type of feeling, it's more of a 'finally we are free' sense of peace.
- Phase VI: This phase occurs the day after delivery. When I visit the mom and new baby (+/- partner/husband), the room has a warm sense of peace to it. Most of the rooms have that sense of accomplishment, 40 weeks of work, and now here's the new baby! The moms look tired, sleepless, but when they hold their baby wrapped up in their blue/pink blanky, they have this look of peace as if nothing else in the world matters except the bond between them. When the Dr. and I come in to check the baby, it feels great to hold this new wrapped bundle of joy. It's cozy to hold this warm sleeping baby, to watch him/her move their lips as they instinctively look for food, and to feel their little legs move inside their blanky as I hold them in my arms. A warm little bundle of life! I can only imagine how much nicer it must be to hold your own baby one day. This phase definitly makes obs/gyn a rewarding career!
H is for Happy
on Friday, September 5, 2008
It has been one week so far since clerkship began (third year medicine). Everytime I enter the hospital, I feel excited, happy, enthusiastic, and motivated to learn. Although we haven't begun our actual rotations yet, I'm pretty confident that the same attitude will carry on throughout the year. Sure I'll be tired, sleepy, hungry, but that's all part of the fun! I believe what makes a hospital a happy environment for me, is that I get to serve people and I get to think. Both of those are big reasons why I entered medicine. Sure there are a lot of careers where you get to to serve and think, but there's no other career where you get to know someone on such a personal level during critical times of their lives, and to depths that even family members don't have the privilege of knowing.
If there's one thing that I've noticed about myself over the years, it's that I like to serve people. I guess there's a certain level of joy and pride in seeing the result of my actions, and that motivates me to learn more and do better. By the same token though, this means that when things go wrong, which I'm sure they will as a third year student, it'll be a bigger blow to me. But that'll only motivate me to work harder. One of the surgeons who was teaching me how to suture yesterday told me if everything you do goes as you were taught or as you read, then you've simply gained knowledge. However, it's only with mistakes, or when thing's don't go as planned, that you finally gain experience. I thought it was some nice words to live by. We'll see how next week goes! :D
I have a new pet!
on Friday, August 29, 2008
My new pet's name is peeves! So now that I finished cramming two years of medicine into my head in the span of 4 weeks for a licensing exam, I must do a little rant. There were two main issues that actually frustrated me during this exam period. The first being Adobe Professional (7.0). Now as some people know, I study purely off my laptop. All of my notes & books are in adobe format. Adobe makes me angry. Why? Well because no matter how good my computer is, no matter what year I buy a computer, it seems the newer and faster processors, and more RAM can't handle the new ways that the Adobe software engineers come up with to make their product slow and sluggish. In all honesty, when I go to buy a new laptop, I don't just look at the specs, but I do one main test: open an adobe file on the computer and see how long it takes. I can only imagine these software engineers sitting around, coming up with new 'creative' ways of making Adobe more user friendly and full of new options, and probably getting some weird sexual gratification out of it. Look! just make the product work in a reasonable speed and not eat up 90% of my RAM.
My second pet peeve would be related to medicine. When you have to cram everything known in medicine into your head, you appreciate it when the name of the disease gives away what the disease is all about. For example "X-linked agammaglobulinemia." tells me it affects men, and it means your immune system doesn't work. Great! the name gives it away for me. But when you get stuff like "Paget's disease" - what memory does that trigger in my head? It triggers the frustration memory. Why? Well because Mr. Paget has several diseases named after him - Paget's disease of the bones, Paget's disease of the nipple, and Paget's cyst. Honestly, why! Clearly they weren't thinking of med students when these names were made up. Make the name of diseases memorable! Med students these days have a lot more to learn than they did 100 years ago, so any help would be appreciated. Honestly, if I discover some disease down the road, I'm not going to stamp my last name on it. Instead I'll make it obvious, i.e. itchy bum syndrome. Treatment? stop sitting there waiting for Adobe to load your file.
Hug addiction # 2!
on Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Well back to hugging my books.
This really blows
on Saturday, July 26, 2008
There are inventions that are so amazing and practical, i.e. like Velcro, and some inventions that I simply don't comprehend. One of those inventions would be the leaf blower. It's unbelievably noisy, annoying, it creates a lot of pollution, and is just asinine. A leaf blower seems as intuitive as sweeping a pile of floor dust not even from one corner of your house to underneath your carpet, but to another corner of your house! I watch people in the neighborhood who spend hours standing there blowing random leaves from their front lawn onto the sidewalk, or their neighbour's lawn. I can only assume that later on, the other neighbour will return the gift with their noisy leaf blower. If not, mother nature will do its job with this device known as 'wind' to redistribute leaves back all over the lawn. Honestly, who invented this machine? How about getting some exercise and raking the leaves - i.e actually removing the problem! How about using a lawnmower to chop up the leaves on your lawn so that as it decomposes, it fertilizes your lawn? Or someone out there, make a machine capable of efficiently vacuuming up the leaves, wouldn't that make more sense?
What a strange world.
On an unrelated note, I'm happy, life is good. yay.
I'm too muscular to smile
on Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Going to the gym is a bizarre experience. On the one hand, I love that feeling of accomplishment (aka achy muscles) at the end of a workout. It's also nice to feel like you're doing something good for your body (and for looking even better too). However, the people at any gym always seem to have a serious look. Most men tend to walk around their arms spread out like they're carrying invisible purses underneath their armpits. They also have this serious constipated look the majority of the time, especially if they're working out alone. The women don't look too happy either, and seem to love the stair/climb master machines and anything cardio related. They don't tend to smile too much either, but it's probably a good idea because the muscle heads like to gawk at them as they walk by. I'm sure a smile would be misinterpreted by muscle men as a signal to 'hey come over and flirt with me'.
Yesterday at the gym, this cougar lady who keeps smiling at me since I started working out in 2003 spotted me again! It's kinda creepy, but it's not a big deal, I suppose I can take it as a compliment about the way I look.
Update: today at the gym I saw a man perfectly exemplifying what I wrote! Except he was walking around with invisible duffel bags underneath his armpits, not purses. He was walking on the treadmill with the most serious face known to man - almost a zoolander like look of determination, and he would wave his arm stiffly in an ape-like fashion. Honestly, who walks around like that?!
European Odyssey - Journal Day 1 - Paris
on Sunday, July 13, 2008
After a couple of hours of travel on some English highways,we made it to Dover (where the famous white cliffs of England are). I'd like to visit England one day and go to the castle at the top - it looked quite beautiful! The ferry ride took another two hours before we reached France. The ride was fun, but the constant rocking of the ferry can make you feel like a drunk man. I began to think about the physiology of the inner ear that we learned in neurology. I then reminded myself that the next two weeks, I shouldn't think about school at all - I have a lifetime of that! During the ferry ride, I chatted with the other tourists that I would be spending two weeks with - there were a lot of Australians! During the ferry ride, I got to people watch, which is always fun. Old couples are fun to observe - they don't seem to chat much, they sit there, eat and people watch too. Either they've run out of things to say, or it's some sort of comfort to know you don't have to say anything to fill the silence.
Calais, France was beautiful, especially the bus ride on our way to Paris! During the bus ride, I discovered why the lemonade drink my brother and I bought tasted so strong and detergent like, it turns out it's concentrated so that you dilute it in 9x the amount of water!! No wonder our throats burned!
When we arrived in Paris, one of the first things I noticed was the amount of graffiti and garbage thrown everywhere! If this is a city of romance, then I better start throwing trash in my room! During the bus ride, we drove past many of the famous buildings in Paris, such as the Eifel tower, Sacre Coeur, Notre Dame, National Music Hall, Arc de Triomphe, etc.. Those buildings were beautiful and clean, such a huge contrast from the rest of the city! Our night ended with a get together at a local pub beside our hotels. Day 2 here we go!
So the European Odyssey trip begins with a nice one hour delay along the Detroit highways - thankfully we left 3 hours in advance of the flight time. I'm excited about this trip, but not too nervous about this delay. If you believe things will work out in life, then they usually do. I'm sure we won't miss the flight. After we check in, my brother and I waved goodbye to our parents with big excited smiles. They stand their smiling back, looking proud and excited about their grown up boys traveling by themselves. The 8 hour flight was pretty comfortable and the food was pretty good (I'm not sure why people complain about the food!). I even got some decent amount of sleep once I grew accustomed to the sweaty smell of the guy next to me. However, I didn't really grow accustomed to the random chair bumping from the guy behind me - he was either giving birth or fighting invisible ninjas behind my seat.
While waiting in Amsterdam for our connecting flight to London, England, I couldn't but help notice the huge crowds of various ethnicities. It's truly amazing to see so many people from all over the world congregating into one area! When we arrived to the Heathrow airport, my brother and I were bombarded with questions at the passport desk about our purpose of travel, where we received the money to travel, etc. I'm not sure how a pile of questions like that would help with security, because anyone could make things up if they had to. Oh well, good thing we shaved, otherwise imagine the extra questions we would receive.
Once we arrived in London, we made our way using the tube (aka subway) to our hostel. We were kinda tired and sleepy from the travel, so we didn't go out that night. We even ate at the hostel, which wasn't exactly very tasty (nor healthy) - my brother ate this sandwich which included: a hamburger, fried egg, bacon, a mountain of mayo, and a healthy side order of vegetables (aka fries).
We had to wake up at 6am the next morning to get ready to make our way to Paris. I had some pretty good sleep. I was excited, and pumped for this trip! However, my enthusiasm and excitement didn't give me enough energy to drag my 25 kg luggage case very easily. That morning I happened to notice that my new luggage case that I bought two days ago moved a bit slowly, and it felt a bit heavy to pull. Initially, I figured oh it must be the weight of the bag! Until I looked down at the fragments of rubber scraped off on the pavement, and the wheel was as hot as oven (no seriously!). It turns out the axle of one of the wheels became lose, and I was dragging 25kg on non-rotating rubber. It was a good exercise though - it really woke you up at 630 in the morning. Oh well, I'll try to fix it later. Now onto our way to Calais, France!
Who was that again?
on Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Purpose. When it comes to your life, do you have a vision or a goal of your life's purpose? I believe that most people want to feel appreciated and that their existence has relevance to others. Sometimes it doesn't come down to being appreciated, but a matter of not being forgotten. Would your life have mattered if you didn't leave a dent in the world or an impact on others? This yearning to be remembered probably drove many (in)famous men and women in ancient history to become leaders, visionaries, dictators etc. and shape the world around them - for better or worse. Sometimes I wonder if a subconscious fear of being forgotten shapes the decision of some leaders out there. Being remembered is of great importance to many people after all. For example back in ancient Egypt, Pharaohs would leave countless historical symbols and monuments representing their power, accomplishments, victories etc.. In addition to mummification, their etchings into pillars, monuments, statues was a way to last forever. Of course, when another Pharaoh took over, they sometimes would have their predecessor's inscriptions and face etched out of monuments/walls and replaced with theirs. In a snap they are forgotten. Erased from history.
A lot of my actions are derived from that yearning for a sense of purpose in life. I want to have an impact. I want to be remembered. I sometimes imagine myself as an old man, very late in life, and I'm looking back at everything I've done in life. Will I smile at what I've accomplished? Will I regret things? Will I be forgotten? Will these questions even matter by that point in time or will my views change about what's important in life? Part of me believes that at this younger age, ambition, goals and big dreams matter more. However, with time, when you have a spouse, kids, and other things to take care of, that will be your focus and your life. Perhaps then, your kids become your accomplishment, and as you watch them grow and model after you, it is then that perhaps part of you lives on.
Alcohol..and exercise?
on Friday, May 30, 2008
I love to observe people (in a non-creepy way). This morning on the bus, this girl was wearing a sweatshirt that caught my attention. It wasn't a particularly special sweatshirt at all - but the writing on it was very confusing to me. It said "Corona Extra" and then it had a picture of a crown below that, and then it said "Athletics". Confused? Well in any case, I was confused. Here's an alcoholic beverage advertisement..and then below it, it's somehow associating itself with athletics? I'm not sure if there's any logic to it, but if you're going to drink something for any sort of athletic competition, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be alcohol. Moh well. Well back to studying - 1 more week and no more class :D
Some blogging hiatus
on Wednesday, May 21, 2008
So I'll be busy for the next 2-3 weeks cramming for exams. It's not a very fun time, mainly because the mindset is focused on passing exams as safely as possible, not on the sake of learning, and especially at the expense of sleep, health, eating properly, and life in general. I suppose I wouldn't be cramming though if I focused purely on school, and not my other duties.
Well back to studying in front of the rainy weather..which I must say is pretty to see from afar, especially when you see that gray curtain of water pouring from a cloud in only one location. What's prettier is when the sun comes back, and pierces the clouds with its rays, absolutely magnificent! well back to nerding.
À Bientôt
I'm a man. I'm tougher. yarrr.
on Sunday, May 4, 2008
As I sit here reading my psychiatry notes, I'm reminded about my whole appreciation of women. So back in the "good ol' days" of Plato, (roughly 400 BC), Plato and his followers conceived (excuse the pun) that the uterus was an "animal endowed with spontaneous sensation and motion, lodged in a woman, and ardently desiring to bear children. If it remained sterile long after puberty, it became indignant, dissatisfied, and ill-tempered and caused a general disturbance of the body until it became pregnant, when it became normal again."
After reading that paragraph, I was reminded of what a pain in the uterus society has been on women for thousands of years.
I'm not really big on the feminism business, mainly because it just comes off as anti-men, but it still doesn't take a genius to realize that being a woman is not easy at all. First of all there's the stereotype of emotional instability (how much of it is true or not, who knows, but it's not like guys are perfect either). Then there's the whole monthly 'duties', which I can only imagine to be painful and annoying, there's the worry about pregnancies, there's worry about safety and sexual assaults (I think if I have a daughter one day, I'm going to be paranoid about this issue..bah to bad people!!!), the pressure of body image, the time it takes to do your hair (I had long hair at one point..wow what a pain in the ass to maintain!), and the whole delivering babies business. I can't imagine the emotions, physical changes, energy needed to carry a living being inside you, and then popping it out! It's crazzzy! Honestly, you women are the stronger sex for going through a bunch of the things I mentioned.
I suppose the downside of being a guy though is that society looks at you differently if you try to express your emotions. It's still taboo'sh. Heck a couple of people thought I swung the other way because I'm very huggy and don't care about saying what's on my mind, even if it's on the 'emotion' side. The other disadvantage guys have is regarding the whole child bearing process. I've watched several baby deliveries, and watching the husbands reinforced the whole philosophy of - men feel useless and stupid during deliveries. We just stand there not knowing what to do as the tougher sex delivers. We can't really feel that bond that the mom/child has after going through 9 months of gestation, hours of labour (assuming it's not like the fifth baby..which by then is probably going to fly out of her vagina) and to finally hold the child against her chest. That peaceful, happy, reunited feeling of holding her baby after the ups and downs of pregnancy and delivery is a feeling that no man can ever have.
So let this post be a cheers to the women out there - God made man first, and then God said "Hey, I can do better than that!" and so He made woman. For the atheists...you can still believe that women are still the tougher sex. If you don't believe it, go get a sex change.
Beyond explanation
on Sunday, April 20, 2008
Attraction is a very strange process. When it comes to being attracted to others, there's the generic initial attraction to beauty, but to get the full attraction you need a lot more than that. It's also not a matter of just compatibility. You can take your checklist of wants and needs that you look for in a person, but sometimes, once in a blue moon, someone pushes the right buttons and you start to ignore some of those checklist items. How does it happen? I have no idea to be honest. However, when it happens it's a strangely blissful time.
The other strange thing about attraction is how you can't really force it. Have you ever noticed that when someone really likes you, but they never pushed your attraction buttons properly, then they just end up annoying you more as they try harder? It's the same way if you really like someone and you feel like they don't notice you...then you try extra hard to impress them by being nice...then you end up losing your nether region (if you're a male) in the process. Thankfully I learned that lesson back early in life. The lesson I learned goes beyond finding someone, it applies to a lot of things in life - be confident, never chase or try to please someone (unless you're enjoying that process), and know your worth. Once you have those rules as your pillars, life is a lot more enjoyable!
Judgmental? I think not!
on Sunday, March 30, 2008
We're repeatedly taught from a young age to judge things not by their cover or external appearance, but by what's inside. After all, that's what matters. Whoever said this has clearly not eaten enough pineapples in their life. Pineapples are so beautiful with their shades of green, yellow, rebellious spiky leaves and symmetric rectangular patterns for a jacket. But that's not all folks! Once you cut into that sweet fruit, the kitchen fills with that beautiful aroma that just makes you think of a tropical paradise. Then for the grand finale, when you savor that sweet juicy burst of flavour, WOooohA! Amazing! It's like heaven in my mouth. mmmm.
Well this post was inspired by the pineapple I'm eating right now. Well back to studying neurology.
Ambition is a double edged sword
on Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Ambition is wonderful. Ambition is tiring. When you hear people talk about other people's accomplishments, people they admire, people who have a vision etc., ambition is attributed to them. Ambition is the mother of accomplishments. Accomplishments beget praise and admiration. People like to admire things.
In general, I like the fact that I'm ambitious. It gives me something to do, and it pays off. It feels good to accomplish something. It's also very tiring at times. Ambition is like a fire - it's a useful tool, but if you lose control of it, you're in trouble. As you get comfortable with your new accomplishments and endeavors, your fiery ambition starts to burn more - you want to push yourself some more. However, eventually it takes control of you, and you feel overwhelmed. I think I've reached this point. I want to do so much in life. Life is short.
Being class president probably consumes at least 25 hours a month of my time. As an exec on the pediatric interest group, more hours are consumed. (thankfully not too many because I have amazing co-execs). The annual Tachycardia theatrical play is consuming a lot of my time (I'm in the play, and I'm dancing in it too). Countless emails to reply to. Countless profs and doctors who are asking me to write a reference letter for an award they were nominated for. Furthermore, I decided I want to learn how to play the guitar, and so that consumes more of my time (although it's unbelievably fun!!). My commitment to going to the gym or at least trying to exercise at home consumes at least 1 hour/day. Trying to plan, organize and book things for my summer travel to Europe consumes time. Ethics project consumes time. Then there are the little things that really add up a lot - cooking, shopping, catching a moment of silence, listening to friends, friends' birthdays, helping friends, and catching up with the parents.
I'm not sure what I'll do when I look back at this and realize that in the end, things work out. Will I learn my lesson once the fire's under control? or will I be tempted to play with something much bigger?
Happy Easter!
on Sunday, March 23, 2008
When I begin writing an article for this blog, I like to find an appropriate image to accompany it. Google image search does the job every time (remember kids to put safesearch on). So this time I google imaged 'Easter'(yes, very creative of me) and right away I found a suitable image. I also found something very interesting. There were more pictures of bunnies and eggs than pictures of crosses or of Jesus. How bizarre is that? I won't get too religious in this article, but Easter is about Jesus and His resurrection on the third day. It is about a celebration of hope, forgiveness, and being reborn for millions of Christians. Unfortunately, in a capitalistic society, EVERYTHING becomes marketed. Does this justify it at all? Absolutely not. Suppose we took a well known and deceased figure, say Gandhi, Albert Einstein etc., and instead of commemorating their work, we decided to market some Klondike Bar (Ice Cream sandwiches for those who aren't brainwashed with TV commercials). That's right kids, every Klondike Bar now has an atomic explosion's worth of ice cream taste! mmmm yum! How about twisting Gandhi's quote "As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it." and then the marketers can show him deriving comfort from a Klondike Bar! mmm yum again! How ridiculous would this marketing campaign be? In essence, this would be insulting. Putting religion aside, the least anyone can do is respect a good man who gave a message of hope, who did nothing bad towards anyone, and in the process died for something he believed in.
The other interesting thing is that almost anyone can get away with making fun of Jesus, or using the word Jesus in nonreligious contexts (i.e. Jesus f***ing Christ). However, when other religions feel any sign of blasphemy, it looks like a war is about to erupt! For example, the Danish cartoonist who drew a picture of Islam's prophet Mohamed as a terrorist resulted in several deaths, numerous death threats and riots all over the world. When Scientology was attacked (still is) by a group of bored nerds named Anonymous (see video below for example), well Scientologists found ways of getting back at them. So why does Christianity 'tolerate' this? Is it because Christianity (all denominations: 2.1 billion) is the biggest religion will naturally get attacked/scrutinized more? Other big religions (i.e. Islam: 1.5 billion) fight back whenever their religion or prophet is attacked though. I think part of the issue is that Christians are taught to be chronic forgivers, nice etc..to the extent that if something wrong happens, they'll just sit at home and pray about it and then forgive the attackers. Sometimes you have to stand up on your feet though people! As George Jackson once said "Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice."
So that's my rant for the week. Oh, and Happy Easter!
PS below is one of Anonymous' attack on Scientology..if you look under google news and on youtube, you can find more protests being done in an attempt to shut down Scientology.
I have an addiction...
on Tuesday, March 18, 2008
It's true, you read the title right. I have an addiction. An addiction to hugs. From the moment that I was born, I preferred sleeping on my parents' chest than eating. I wasn't a noisy baby nor did I cry much. I slept and hugged them. That's all I seemed to need from them to feel peaceful. My mom would often recount the effort she had to put in feeding me. Food didn't seem as high of a priority on my list as sleeping or being held by my parents.
As I look at how I am now, I must say, these habits still remain true (minus needing diapers thankfully). I eat when I feel hungry or when I realize I haven't bothered eating much that day. When it comes to hugs though, I'm a glutton. It's my desert. What's amusing is that the other hug-lovers in the class (pretty much all girls - woot woot) come to me. Apparently the years of 'practice' have paid off. Everyday, it seems like there's a lineup of ladies waiting for their turn to get a hug. I do get teased about the attention I get, but any teasing's worth that warm, innocent, comforting, peaceful feeling of holding someone you care about. Despite getting a lot of hugs daily, every single one feels like a new wonderful experience to me.
This stirred up some thoughts and discussions among my colleagues (yes this is what your future doctors talk about). Apparently hugs cause your brain to release endorphins which makes you feel good (basically acts as a reward mechanism). So I started thinking - can you overdose on a hug? Can you become so used to a hug, like an addict, that your usual dose no longer feels as good?
The other thing about hugs is, some people just suck at giving hugs. I assume they didn't practice like I did when they were young, so now they're not olympians of hugging. A bad hug is one in which they stand about half an arm lenght's away,and instead of coming closer, they lean forward, as if there's a fence between us, and then pat ya on the back. Honestly what is that!? There's no fence or bubble of space in hugging! When I meet a good hugger, I let them know of how amazing of a hugger they are, which often takes them by surprise, because I suppose not too many people point out their appreciation of hugs. So now I jokingly refer huggers to other good huggers, thereby creating a network of awesome huggers.
So how important are hugs? well they seem important enough that people are investing valuable time and technology to create clothes that hug you! Basically, if you are away from a good hugger, well then you can both buy this special shirt - the hug shirt - and when activated, you'll receive the same feeling and warmth of a hug from them! check it out: http://www.cutecircuit.com/projects/wearables/thehugshirt/
Well that's all for now folks. *hugs*.
I say hello, you say goodbye
on Sunday, March 16, 2008
I lean onto the train window, staring at the snow draped farm lands, naked trees, deserted muddy roads, and a distantly shy sun. Vast open land, cold and seemingly lonely territory being interrupted by the rhythmic rickety sound of the train. Roughly 2 hours ago, my brother and I stared out of the same window, waving our hands to our parents as they mirrored us from their car window. The lady in front of me waved to what seemed like her husband. They tried to communicate with a makeshift sign language. He pointed to his eye, drew a warm heart through the cold air, and then pointed to her. She tried to lean closer to him, but her window would not give, it was stubborn. The lady across of her waved to her husband (unless that big rock on her wedding finger was accessory jewelry), he waved back and walked away. As she watched him walk away, her lower eyelid was shaking under the weight of that tear drop, a drop that said I miss you already.
Train stations trigger a lot of emotions and thoughts. People come, people go. Some have no one to wave to but await smiles at their destination. Others wave to their loved ones, and hopefully have smiles at their destination too. Then there are people who seem to have nothing. I sit here staring out of my window and wonder about the day I won’t have my parents to wave to. Which category would I fit in when that day happens? And does it matter which category I’m in? I feel grounded in who I am, what I can do, and proud of what I have accomplished so far, but I realize that deep down I’m like most people. You are unique, like everyone else. Deep down, like any normal human being, we all have a fear of being alone. However, I don’t believe that everyone is aware of that fact. Humans are social creatures, and without that characteristic, we would have been long extinct. This characteristic manifests itself in different areas of people’s lives. If you open your eyes, you’ll see this longing to connect with others through normal day to day interactions, facebook (how many friends do you have and why do you keep going back to see what others are doing?), myspace, msn, blogs, personal relationships (note how many people try to quickly replace their ex b.f./g.f. for the sake of not being alone) etc. Like strands in a fabric of a society, we try to connect with one another whether we realize it or not. Sometimes I wonder if more people realize the cores and pillars of what makes us human, what makes us behave the way we do, then if the world would have less conflicts.
I’ve reached my destination, and a world awaits me.
And when will you be back home?
on Thursday, March 13, 2008
Independence is a forbidden fruit. Once you taste it, it's very hard to go back to your former broccoli of a life (although I do like broccoli). Part of the joy of growing up (and hopefully maturing) is leaving your cozy nest (aka the parents' home), and learning to take care of yourself. Initially it's not easy to be away from your mom's amazing cooking, the daily hugs (I love hugs more than food), the quality time with the parents, and of course access to a car. However, you soon appreciate the advantages of doing whatever you want to do, whenever you want to, an not having to explain your priorities to your parents. This does not mean that I'm going to let myself go loose like an unrestrained child in a candy store (although some students end up doing that...they end up with diabetes and cavities). Independence is what you make of it, and in my case, it was about learning what my limits are and what I am capable of on my own. Although, I suppose if I stayed at home, I would grow up even more (assuming I took initiative). At home you'd have to learn to take an active role in experiencing the same thing as your peers away from home while making your parents grow up and accept the fact that you're no longer a little kid. It's like two challenges at the same time! (Bravo to those handling the double challenge!)
In any case, I took the easy route of being away from home. However, I'll have to face the second challenge next year when I go back to my hometown to do my hospital rotations. Whenever I go back home for a long weekend/holiday, I feel like a little kid again. This is mainly because my parents will remind me to eat (apparently I don't eat much while I'm at school, but this is probably compared to Mediterranean meal standards), I'll be asked why I'm not studying madly (after all, this is all that med students should do), I'll be asked why I'm not dressed warm enough for the cold weather, and of course, my two favorite question - when are you coming back home and who are you going with? These two last questions define childhood and parenting. I appreciate the fact that my parents love me and have a concern about my safety - and believe me, I have come to terms with those two questions - but I don't know at what point of my adulthood when they'll accept that I hang out with trustworthy people, and that I don't really plan the time that I'll be coming back home. Next year will be especially amusing because I'll be spending the majority of the time at the hospital. I can vividly imagine my parents asking me where I'm going, who I'm with, and what time I'm coming back home - "Mom, I'll be at the hospital again, I'll be hanging out with patient R, Patient X, Patient Y, and Patient A, and I'll be on call, so I won't be home tonight." - "Ok, make sure you eat, and study!".
All I know, is that one day I'll miss my parents and their attempt to provide a protective bubble (Lifetime warranty!), and I'll keep that memory alive by passing on the bubble to my future kids. Ah, now that's love.
